The Las Vegas Strip as viewed from the Tropicana
1. Booze is free. Sure, it flows like Niagara Falls in Vegas, but with a reason. This is how the casino gets your money at the tables. Go easy on the booze, my friends. It really isn’t okay to puke in the elevator or pee on your chair at the blackjack table. Really, it’s not. We frown on that.
2. Hookers & Blow. If someone tells you that they’ll score ya some “hookers & blow – just come with me,” then good luck to ya. We’ll hear about you on the morning news. They do consider including photos of your body optional in the new coverage.
3. Lunchtime. Keep your drunk self out of the sun between 10am and 3pm. Honestly, you have no reason to be out and about at that time of the day. You are a tourist, so take a nap, have a long lunch, gamble, or see an afternoon show. No good will come of you walking around during the day.
4. Playing Poker. There is a poker saying. “If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.” (attributed to Paul Newman) Think about that when you sit down to play.
5. Shows. Buy your show tickets from the box office at the venue. You will save bunches of cash. You can usually buy them by phone before you even arrive. There are some discount show ticket places on the strip that can save you money too, if you are buying for the same day.
6. Price of rooms. Shop around on the Internet for a room deal. You can even do this in the lobby with your laptop if you can connect to Wi-Fi. Don’t just walk up to the desk and ask to register. It is almost always cheaper on the Internet. I post plenty of deals on this website, but not all of them. (See the Vegas Room Discounts & Deals category on the right side of the page.) Typically, I see room rates drop around Wednesday for the weekend when no big conventions or events are happening. Always subscribe to the email mailings of your favorite casinos.
7. Don’t drive in Vegas. There is a reason our insurance rates are high here. You can take city buses, monorail, trams, cabs, and walk.
View of New York New York Casino from the Paradise Tower at the Tropicana
8. Bring sneakers. You are going to walk miles every day and not even realize it. By the way, that casino looks like it is ‘just over there’, but it is approximately two miles away and it is 104 outside. Do not do it.
9. What to pack. Pack sneakers, Gold Bond powder, Bag Balm – if staying a week or more, your ATM card, your credit card, plenty of cash and a refillable water bottle. If you want to be traditional then take a fanny pack. Oh, and condoms. I know, I know, you’re not going to do that. Sure you aren’t! Pack ‘em “for a friend.”
10. Stay safe. Fremont Street is loads of fun, but do not leave the area that is under the canopy. Seriously, don’t. Just a few feet away, the streets are full of robbers, crack whores and assorted creepazoids just looking to feed on a fresh tourist. You are safe in the crowd underneath the canopy. You are not safe alone on those other deserted streets nearby.
11. Remember to tip. You came here on one hell of a room deal and have a fistful of coupons, so tip well. Do you know what our home electric bills are here? It is very expensive for those employees to live here in order to serve you a good time.
The Light Show on the overhead canopy on Fremont Street
12. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. No. It doesn’t.
13. Water. You have to drink water and lots of it. You need a bottle in one hand all the time you’re awake. If you pass on this idea, then the paramedics will come and throw wet towels on you and wheel your stupid butt into the back of the van for a free trip to the hospital.
14. Do you want to go out? You do not want to date me, so quit asking me out. Just trust me on that. What I write and who I am are two completely different people. I’m really happy you love my first person character in my stories, and this is why I keep writing. She doesn’t really exist, though. I’m really a toothless hag living in a single wide in Pahrump with a parakeet and a mangy cat.
15. Markers. They really do have to be paid back once you sober up. If you don’t, it is a felony crime in Nevada. This is serious stuff. If you have to do some real mental tap dancing to figure out how you could pay back a marker then you should call Gamblers Anonymous instead. (888) 442-2110. Put that number in your cell phone now. Here is some good info on the marker law.
16. You are so handsome! If you haven’t heard this in your home city recently, then this conversation you’re having is probably going to become quite expensive. Prostitution is illegal inside the Las Vegas city limits, but the casinos are full of them. It’s safer to go the ranch in the county, than free range it inside the city.
17. Sunscreen. You should probably bring some and use it. We don’t have clouds here. The mob buried them in the desert also.
Enjoy your wild weekend in fabulous Las Vegas. These are all the tips that have been on my mind lately, but I missed many, I’m sure. Feel free to add to this list with the comments button to help your fellow Vegas vacationer.